Jotting Down My Heart

Hello there... i know its been a long while since i posted anything in my blog. but i have a question here. Have u ever fell in love and it just stopped halfway? and then u start to believe there is no such thing as love? well i did and it was long time ago. I start to get hook ups and meet new food s to chew on but then at that one special night, i met this someone special to me, she's not like any other i met and just fool around with i start to feel what i felt before and i said to myself i wont let it go as easily this time... i try to hold on to it as much as i can no matter what.

It was great, there were laughter and smiles with fights every now and then, but then we were still strong. Then i made an unintentional mistake, where my ex met me. It was disastrous, nearly ruined what i had but i still hold on to it and convinced her that such thing will never again and i break to tears asking for forgiveness and be a better man.

As time goes by, 6 months has passed and we spent our time together vacationing else where, around that time i've noticed there's something fishy. It seems that we were still the same, but i felt there are some sort of emptiness in me, there's a connection between me and her alright.. but only physical not mutual. I started to wonder what i did wrong as i promised myself that i wont let this go and make such stupid mistakes and be loyal and sincere of whatever im doing.

So i let it linger in my mind, but never to voice it out cause it might make things more awkward and worst. I mean how would you feel if one day ur lover said "there's something between us, there's no more intimacy and seems to have a growing gap between us"? wont you feel like ur heart dropped from 1000 feet?

But somehow one day, i feel like to use my skills and i found out she's been cheating on me, not with 1 or 2 or 10 guys behind my back. And yet its easy for her to fake it and say Love and Miss towards me with a smile and laughter every time we spent it. I really cant take it anymore especially when i found out she's having a fling with someone who is so close to me and they both were really good at hiding it. I just can't control my anger, jealousy and hatred, I've been so loyal to her and kept my promise, am i to blame?

In my mind that time was, "Blood with blood" so I went out when she was less expected and met a few which actually she knew them as a friend or acquaintance. When i had enuff (even though not reaching as much as her) then i spill the beans. I spill out everything i knew and what i did.And we concluded to forget everything and move on.

But then again the next night she went out again, with other friend of mine, imagine how i felt that time... i went berserk. And then again i forgive her and didn't do the same, i just slip it through coz frankly i still love her. And then soon after that she went out again with someone i knew again, i got no idea whether she has a problem with her skirt that it kept falling off especially to my friends and acquaintances, it really feels like i'm embarrassing myself after all that bragging that i have a stable girlfriend and I've been loyal to her and and compromise and so does she... well they got the idea that i was being all that to her.. but not the same case for her towards me.

And yet again, i still didn't let go plus she said she will be better and appreciate me more, like i appreciated her. But then things start to loosen up and yet i still work hard to get things better even planned to go on vacation together again.

Then here comes October, it was my birthday, we went out but nothing special happened it feels more like a casual outting, atleast my friends sang a birthday song for me, so i thought. on the 5th, she got a bad news and it affected her so much that i got scolded at for being concern of her. I'm a lover, what else can i do.. if i can not help at least im there for her and care for her, and for that i got the negatives? i was so pissed off and just give her space for few days. Then on the very morning of the 8th, she asked for a break up. frankly, i expected that coming but not that soon. i was caught off guard, so i said to her that i give her a month to reconsider and for the time being i will give her more space, and we will still going to our friends place on the 10th and i will try to fake it out.

Last night was the 10th, frankly it was hard for me. on the way sending her home, i start to talk abt it with her. In her defense she said that she did that so that easier for me to let go and not bring me in to her problems. I was confused and voiced out.. "what the heck am i here for then? be here only when you are happy?". After all the troubles, anger, hatred and forgiveness i gave suddenly she thought that is for the best?..

All i got to do now is justto wait for a month now, to wait and see where things wil go.. o heart please stay calm and hold on to it.. hoping to get an answer here.. a positive answer.. and hopefully it will be not too late for this heart of mine to turn back. If it's a negative answer, then all i have to do is ro say goodbye... even though it will be hard for me, but i hope u can find someone better, that can handle u better, that can love you better, that can care for you better.....